it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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