How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
