so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
