i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
