His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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