I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
