Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
