Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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