Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
