there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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