i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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