Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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