This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
