I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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