This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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