the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
