On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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