your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
