i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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