Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
