We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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