god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
