And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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