Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
