actually, I'm a sock model
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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