As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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