You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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