just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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