Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
