I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
