I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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