8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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