I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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