WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
