I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found your dick twin last night
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm getting married
To pizza
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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