So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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