He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
and you fell through a lawn chair
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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