Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
