The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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