Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
