man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
