On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
