I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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