You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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