Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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