and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
