her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
