"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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