Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize