After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
