u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
