He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
