I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
