I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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