I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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