I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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