i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
